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Fiction. © Copyright 1998, Jim Loy
Billy's father thought that maybe Billy had been replaced by a mutant named "Will." This mutant looked and dressed like the drug users on MTV. He had a ring in one ear. He had an ugly tatoo on his hip (making it almost "butt ugly"). Will wore wide pants which seemed in danger of falling to his ankles at any moment. In the past, Billy had been well dressed, and well behaved. He had been somewhat respectful of his parents. This Will mutant was often insulting. Will considered his father an idiot, and wondered out loud why an idiot had been appointed ruler of the house. And Will kept saying "like" and "ya know."
But there was some evidence that Will was actually Billy, going through a phase. He was still getting good grades in school, for example.
Will was taking driving lessons, after school. He pleaded with his father to let him drive the family Toyota. Will's dad knew what that would lead to, mutants who looked and dressed like the hookers on MTV.
Then, one day, the car tape player went dead. Will offered to buy a new stereo for the car, if he could drive the car. His dad let his guard down, and said, "OK, sure." It seemed like a reasonable deal, especially since he was thinking about something else at the time.
Well, the new stereo made buildings vibrate, all the way down the street. It made worms come up out of the ground. It made clouds disperse from the sky. And Will's dad could not find any place to put cassettes. Thank God they made Beatles and Elvis CD's, or he would have euthanized his mutant pseudo-son. And he learned to eject the CD and turn the volume down, before turning the ignition key.
One dark night, a car drove up to their house. Three boys got out. These were real criminals, not just MTV drug users. They were smoking cigarettes which dangled from their lips. One of them was carrying a beer can. Another was nervously fiddling with a knife. They were examining Will's dad's car.
They found that the car door was unlocked. Will had forgotten to lock the door. But the keys were not in the ignition. The criminals searched where people often kept keys, under the floor mat, under the driver's seat, but found no keys.
One of the boys got down under the steering wheel, and began hot-wiring the car. One of them sat on the passenger side, ready to pump the gas pedal, if that were necessary. The third criminal waited in their own car, keeping the engine running, in case of trouble.
The criminal under the steering wheel made the electrical connection. And the car stereo blasted with sounds so loud that sulfur dioxide was vented through newly formed cracks in the earth's crust.
The entire neighborhood (including the previously mentioned worms in the ground) woke up, almost simultaneously. The boy under the steering wheel hit his head on the steering column, and knocked himself unconscious. The boy in the passenger seat, deafened and disoriented by the continuing "music," could not figure out how to re-open the car door. He damaged the interior of the car, somewhat, with his finger nails. The boy in the getaway car tried to get away. But he swerved to miss an approaching police car, and hit a tree.
All three of the boys were arrested. All three were treated, at the hospital, for minor injuries (the boy who had been "trapped" inside the car had broken a tooth, somehow). All three confessed. But, since they had not succeeded in committing a crime that the prosecutor was interested in, they were set free.
But Will had saved the day. And his dad even stopped people on the street to brag about Will and his car alarm.