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Fiction. © Copyright 1998, Jim Loy
A man was in a car, yelling at his dog, "You get the hell off the front seat..." He yelled at the dog for a long time.
The dog tried to interpret this. "You seem to be upset. I wish I could help, I really do. Could you explain what is going on here? I mean, I can empathize, but I cannot help you, unless you tell me what the problem is. Of course you are upset. I would be upset too, if I were you, if whatever has happened to you had happened to me."
The dog continued to think, "But, of course, I have had a really nice day. And the best part was sitting right here in the driver's seat, watching the occasional dog walk by, not to mention watching a whole lot of people walk by, too. I'm glad you brought me here to this parking lot. I hope we can do this again, soon. I wish you had had as nice a day as I have. Perhaps if you were to just sit down, take a deep breath, and watch the dogs walk by (I'm sure one will walk by any moment, now), you will feel much better."
"Ah, you mention BAD DOG! Can you be talking about me? I don't really see how you could. I don't remember doing anything BAD. I have refrained from eliminating any doggy waste in the car, as you have so competently trained me. In fact, the car is so clean as to hardly smell like me at all. I don't know how you expect other dogs to realize that this is your and my car. But, of course you must have your reasons, some kind of stealth car that can drive right through an entire pack of dogs, without so much as the raising of a nose. Very clever. I mean, that is not my style. I would advertise my scent to the world. But I can appreciate what you are trying to accomplish, here."
"But you did say BAD DOG, unless I am very much mistaken. Could you be referring to some OTHER dog? Of course, that is it. You have encountered a truly BAD DOG, instead of an innocent, but largely misunderstood dog, such as myself. Maybe I can be of some help. Maybe I could chase off this BAD DOG, which you have seen, in your incomprehensible wanderings. Maybe I could seize his/her ill-gotten territory. Would you please describe his/her scent, for me?"
"I am sorry, I cannot help you if you are not going to calm down. Now, stop this yelling. My ears are sensitive, you know. Stop it. Stop it. I have no recourse but to lick your face."
The dog licked his master's face. And the conversation went downhill from there.