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Fiction, © Copyright 1999, Jim Loy
Hamlet: To be or not to be...
Heckler: I knew it. I knew he was going to say that.
Hamlet: ... that is the question...
Heckler: He's going to say the rest of it, too.
Hamlet (to Heckler): Excuse me, do you mind?
Heckler: I didn't know he was going to say THAT.
Hamlet: I'm just trying do my job here.
Heckler: Yeah, but do you have to do it the same way every time?
Hamlet: Well, this IS Shakespeare you know.
Heckler: Ooooo, Shakespeare. Why don't you do Shakespeare with modern language?
Hamlet: Shakespeare wrote it perfect the way it is. We can't change it.
Heckler: Why not? Just change "To be or not to be..." into whatever the hell it means. [pause] By the way, what does it mean?
Hamlet: Well, he's considering suicide. He's considering which might be better, living or dying, being or not being. Changing it would sound stupid, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be memorable.
Heckler: But the audience would understand it, for a change.
Hamlet: But people do understand Shakespeare, at least most of it. And they figure out the rest from the context.
Heckler: I'll bet the audience didn't know what "To be or not to be" means from the context.
Hamlet: Then how would you say it?
Heckler: How should I know? I'm just a heckler.
Hamlet: Then why don't you just shut the hell up?
Heckler: Not bad, was that Shakespeare?
[curtain]