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A short play, © Copyright 2000, Jim Loy
Scene One: Classroom, row or rows of chairs, with boys and girls facing stage left, teacher's desk, black board, and door somewhere stage left. Mr. Morris is at the black board. Stephanie is asleep with her head on her arms on her desk.
Mr. Morris (Writes a sentence on the board): And how would you diagram this sentence ... Stephanie? ... Stephanie? (Walks to Stephanie's desk) Stephanie? (Claps his hands once, loudly)
Stephanie (Jerks upright in her chair): I wasn't sleeping.
Mr. Morris: Good, good, then you should be able to diagram that sentence. (He holds the chalk out to Stephanie)
(Stephanie reluctantly reaches for the chalk. Then the bell rings)
Mr. Morris(to the class): Saved by the bell. Monday, Stephanie will diagram this sentence. Have a good weekend everybody. Remember, the book report on Moby Dick is due Monday.
(Students rush out. Stephanie stands, hanging her head in despair. Suzy goes up to her. Mr. Morris, who is putting papers into a briefcase, looks at Stephanie, shakes his head, and then leaves)
Stephanie: Oh Suzy, I'll never be able to diagram a sentence.
Suzy: Hey, there's more to life than diagramming sentences. Besides, it's easy. I'll train you. By Monday, you'll be a mean sentence-diagramming machine.
(Mr. Judd, the janitor, comes in with a mop and bucket and starts mopping the floor)
Stephanie: Suzy, I'm flunking out. I may just quit school.
Suzy: Quit school? What kind of job could you get without an education?
Stephanie: I was thinking of being a hit girl.
Suzy: Hit girl? As in hired killer? "Thou shalt not kill" is one of the commandments, you know. It's a crime, too.
Stephanie: I'm just going to kill evil people. I'll make the world a better place. I wonder where I can find some evil people.
Suzy: My dad says there's a Mafia Kingpin at the Acme Hotel.
Stephanie: Good, let's go kill him!
Suzy: Let's not. It sounds dangerous to me. Besides, is there any money in killing evil people?
Stephanie: I don't know. Maybe the FBI gives rewards or something. Any other evil people around? (She turns to Mr. Judd) Mr. Judd, do you know of any really evil people?
Mr. Judd: That's easy. It's that man in golf who shouts, "You're the man." I hate that guy. I think everybody hates him.
Stephanie: Really? Is he more evil than all those people in Washington?
Mr. Judd: A lot more evil. He's more evil than Hitler or Lex Luthor.
Stephanie: Where can I find this man?
Mr. Judd: There's a golf tournament in town right now. I'll bet he's there. I got two tickets to go watch it. But I can't make it. My wife's parents are coming to visit. My wife says that they are more important than some stupid old golf tournament. You want my tickets?
Stephanie: Sure, thanks. (She takes the two tickets)
Suzy: You're not going to kill him are you? What if he's not really as evil as Lex Luthor? What if he's only as evil as Hitler? You'll go to jail for life.
Stephanie: I won't really kill him. I'll just pretend. (She points her finger like a gun and pretends to shoot) We'll see if I'm really cut out to be a hit girl. Then maybe we can go kill that Mafia Kingpin.
Scene Two: Stephanie and Suzy are standing among a Crowd of people. The Crowd are looking toward the audience. Occasionally they quiet down and watch an imaginary golfer tee off, and then they follow (in unison) the flight of the ball off to stage right.
Suzy: I don't see how they can hit that tiny ball. They ought to use a bigger ball.
Stephanie: I'd need a bigger club, with a shorter handle.
Crowd: Sh. (A golfer hits a drive)
Suzy: Wow, that ball went a mile. Maybe they don't need a bigger ball or a bigger club.
Stephanie: I wonder where that evil guy is. This golf course is huge. Maybe we should ask somebody. I'll ask this man. Excuse me sir.
Golf Fan: Yes little girl?
Suzy (interrupts): Stephanie look! There's Tiger Woods!
Stephanie: Wow, he's really cute.
Suzy: I'll say.
Crowd: Sh. (Tiger hits the ball)
Golf Fan: Your the man!
(Stephanie turns to the Golf Fan and points her finger at him like a gun. There is a loud bang, and the Golf Fan falls to the ground as if he is dead. Stephanie looks at her finger)
Suzy: Oh no! Tiger Woods shot him!
Scene three: Hallway outside a hotel room door.
Suzy: This is crazy. We're going to go to jail. We're going to get killed.
Stephanie: This guy's really evil. He's a Mafia Kingpin.
Suzy: And he's going to kill us.
Stephanie: Na, he wouldn't kill two little girls. Here. (She takes two Teddy bears out of her purse and hands one to Suzy. Then she searches in her purse) I've got a couple of lolly pops here somewhere.
(The hotel room door opens. Four Bodyguards (in suits) come out into the hallway, looking left and right)
Bodyguard: Scram, little girls. (Stephanie and Suzy stay where they are. The Bodyguard speaks toward the open hotel room door) It's all clear, Boss.
Mafia Kingpin (Walks through the doorway, into the hallway): Scram, little girls.
(Stephanie pulls a pistol out of her purse and points it at the Mafia Kingpin. The Four Bodyguards pull their pistols and point them at her. FBI Agents, carrying weapons, swarm onto the stage from both left and right)
FBI Agent: Freeze. Drop your guns. (The Bodyguards drop their pistols. Stephanie puts hers into her purse)
Mafia Kingpin: The little girl pointed a gun at me.
FBI Agent: Yeah right. (FBI Agents put handcuffs on the Mafia Kingpin and his Bodyguards) You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used as evidence against you. You have the right to an attorney.
Mafia Kingpin: Yeah yeah.
FBI Agent: Take them away. (The Mafia Kingpin and his Bodyguards are escorted off stage. The FBI Agent speaks to Stephanie) Let's have the gun. (Stephanie hands him her pistol. He unloads it) I don't think you have a permit for this.
Stephanie: It's my dad's. I'm sorry.
FBI Agent: You distracted those thugs pretty well. It allowed us to catch them by surprise. You may get a reward for this.
(In front of the curtain, Stephanie and Suzy appear to take their bows.
Suzy (Quiets the audience): Stephanie was able to diagram a sentence on Monday.
Stephanie (Quiets the audience, then reads from a paper): Tiger Woods, or any other member of the PGA, has never shot anyone. Mr. Woods would never shoot anyone except to save the lives of innocent people in a hostage situation.
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