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Fiction, © Copyright 2003, Jim Loy
Ned Mintner was a novelist. One day he walked into one of the local bookstores to see how his latest book was doing. The manager typed on his computer and peered at the screen. "Hm, haven't sold any yet. I may have to return them to the publisher." This was depressing news.
Ned wandered over to the shelf where his book was. "Oughta buy one myself, just to boost sales and keep it on the shelf a little longer." Then he saw his book, five copies, on the bottom shelf. "Goll, a midget would have to stoop down to see my book. My readership is somewhere between midget and ant. No wonder my book doesn't sell." He complained to the manager.
"Sorry, they're arranged alphabetically by author. It's just the luck of the draw."
Ned muttered to himself as he walked away. "No wonder that Zaphod Podgorny is such a popular author. His books are up at the top of the next shelf." He went to another bookstore. Same problem, Ned Mintner was on the bottom, Zaphod Podgorny was at the top. "Goll, if I changed my name . . ."
It just so happened that Ned had nearly completed his next novel. "I really could change my name. Lots of authors have pseudonyms. William Shakespeare would probably sell, no; I remember he was on the bottom shelf too. Let's see, I got it, Ned Podia; that's the ticket. A few months later, his new book came out, and it was "by Ned Podia." One day Ned entered the bookstore, and there was his book, on the bottom shelf! Shock! Doom! He confronted the manager.
"Hey, we had to rearrange the shelves to make room for a new 'graphic novel' section. They're just fancy comic books, but they seem to be very popular; all the kids are reading them. Who knows why some books sell and others don't. Why just a few months ago, this Zaphod Podgorny was our hottest author; now I can't give his books away." Ned saw that Zaphod Podgorny's books were next to his on the bottom shelf.
Ned's next book was a graphic novel. And it was prominently displayed, as Ned's new pseudonym was Ned Aaaron. Unfortunately the shelf was too high for kids to reach, and Ned's book never sold.
Thus began my ill-fated novel about the tragedy of Ned Mintner. They say that life imitates art, and my novel languished on the bottom shelf in innumerable bookstores, and was a dismal failure, just as poor Ned's book was a dismal failure. I even considered changing my name, or writing graphic novels. But Ned had taught me that that would probably not work. Maybe if I wrote a cookbook; they seem to sell.
Thus began my ill-fated novel about a man who wrote a novel about the tragedy of Ned Mintner. They say . . .
Etc.