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Fiction, © Copyright 2000, Jim Loy
I was just sitting there, minding my own business, drinking a beer, in Kansas or Utah or one of those states, when this old guy sat down next to me. He seemed to be a nice fellow, 'cause he bought me a beer. We got to talking. And it turned out that he was a Civil War buff. He said as how old Robert E. Lee coulda won that war except he was overconfident. I said that that sounded right to me, even though I didn't know anything about it. Anyways, I let him buy me another beer.
He said, "Wait a minute, get aload of this," or something like that. And he pulled out this picture from his wallet, and plunkt it right down in front of me. It was a photograph that looked just like old Robert E. Lee (who I recognized 'cause I'd seen his picture on the twenty dollar bill or something), except that it was in color. Now I don't know when color was invented, but it was after the Civil War, I was sure of that. I thought that maybe he photographed some person pretending to be old Robert E. Lee, or maybe Ted Turner colorized a black and white photograph or something. But he said, "No, that's a real photograph which I took of old Robert E. Lee just this morning." And I would have got outa there, 'cause I don't drink with crazy people or liars, except that he bought me another beer.
I asked him, "How is it that you took this picture this morning when old Robert E. Lee has been dead and gone for hundreds of years?" 'Cause you can't put one over on me. And he said that old Robert E. Lee had only been dead a little over one-hundred years, and that he was a time traveller (the old guy sitting next to me, not old Robert E. Lee). And I started shifting my position on my stool, in case this guy turned violent or something. 'Cause I'd heard that crazy people might do that. But instead of turning violent, he bought me another beer, or maybe he didn't; I kinda lost track.
And I said, "So you got some sorta time machine out back, I suppose?"
And he said, "Yup, but not out back. I got it right here." And he pulled this electronic calculator out of his pocket.
And I said, "That's just an electronic calculator."
And he said, "Nope, this is my old time machine, and you want to see it work?"
And I said, "Maybe, but my beer's getting a little empty." And he bought me another beer, or maybe that was the earlier beer that I lost track of. Then he pushed a button on his calculator and "POOF" he disappeared. I was in a state of shock for what seemed like a whole hour. Then I said to the bar tender, "Did you see that?"
And he said, "What?"
And I said, "That old man just disappeared right off that stool.
And he looked at me funny and said, "You've had enough."
And I said, "No, see, I got this photograph of old Robert E. Lee." And he asked me to leave. So I left. And people won't believe me. They say things like maybe Ted Turner colorized a black and white photograph. And I don't see why people won't believe me.