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Do I need a disclaimer for the above joke? Not liable for damage due
to stupidity of people reading this stupid stuff.
© Copyright 1996 etc., Jim Loy
They all laughed when I said I was going to tell a joke. Well, they're
not laughing now. [I don't remember where this came from. The original was,
"They all laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not
Warning: Meaningless and inappropriate warning!
Notice: Jokes on this page are funnier than they appear.
Guarantee: Guaranteed to split your gut, or double your money
back. Offer not void where not prohibited; figure that out.
Health Notice: If needed, these jokes may be used to induce
Warning: Stupid people may be offended by these jokes. If you are
stupid, you are advised to read no further. Smart people may be offended,
Observation: My jokes are good for depression. I get depressed
just typing them.
The following are original jokes.
- I never make mistakes, because I'm poof groof; I'm sorry, goof
- I drove over the pass, the other day. It's called Do Not Pass. I read
that on the sign.
- Last winter was the warmest that I can remember. I don't know if that
is a sign of global warming or Alzheimer's disease.
- Someone read some of these jokes and advised me not to quit my day
job. Too late.
- George W. Bush is our first President for whom English is a second
language. I don't think he has a first language.
- On my tombstone: I didn't know pushing up daisies was this
- Poker player: "I lose way less money when I get bad cards."
- Women have a great handicap in our society. They often have to
perform the most difficult task ever done by a human being, pretend to be
dummer than a man.
- Please excuse Jimmy from his doctor's appointment, as he is sick
- I never repeat the same mistake, because I make such a variety of
- Then he drew hiss word. Sorry. Then he drew his sword.
- "Pick a letter." "Y." "Just because, do you always have to be so
- Organic farmer: a farmer full of natural fertilizer.
- Helen of Troy, really beautiful, face that could launch a thousand
ships. Her hips alone could probably launch 100 ships.
- You see those people over there? I know what they're talking about.
They're saying that I'm paranoid.
- A friend of mine is kind of a combination Bambi and Ghandi, a Mahatma
- The label on my bottle of Robotussin cough syrup says that it will
make my coughs "more productive." If only I could become that productive.
- If you are missing large portions of your time, that is a sign that
you have been abducted by aliens, either that or you have been watching
- Did you know that I have an Indian name?:
Stupid-White-Man-with-Bogus-Indian-Name, and proud of it.
- I read that Coca Cola was impacting upon the popularity of native
Chinese beverages. But what does that have to do with the price of tea in
- Some people say that they are vegetarians who eat fish. I'm a
vegetarian who eats fish, poultry, pork, and beef.
- One of the good things about not being famous: I have to do something
really, really stupid to make the tabloids.
- Bumper sticker on a toy car: My other car is a fire truck.
- Key to exercise: get the lungs working and the heart pumping, and if
you don't keel over dead, then you probably benefiting.
- Be sure to use proper grammar: "I eat a steak." "I ate a stook."
- The proper way to ask for more food is to say "Oink."
- My doctor told me I have high brood pleasure, or maybe it was blood
- I call my car C-Rex; it's a Honda CRX. Someone else has named it Wash
- A friend of mine believes in the inverse Special Olympics motto:
everyone is a loser.
- A song that was never popular, A Million Bottles of Beer on the
Wall. It loses its way at about 999,998 bottles of beer on the wall.
- I caught a mild version of mad cow disease, it's called disgruntled
- To show you how smart I am, I bought some cookies with half the
calories, so I can eat three times as much.
- I'm having difficulty reading the fine print anymore. I think my eyes
are on the blink. [alternative joke, when I see a girl who blinks a lot: "I
think her eyes are on the blink."]
- A German, who was visiting America, was having difficulty
communicating. Then one day he sneezed, and someone said "Gesundheit!" The
German replied (in German), "Finally, someone who speaks German."
- An old couple were visiting the big city for the first time, and got
tickets to hear a famous concert pianist. Afterwards, the man was complaining
that it didn't sound like music to him, that the pianist had pounded on the
piano so hard that he thought it would collapse. The wife was more tolerant:
"When you play that well, it's OK if it sounds bad." [This joke can be adapted
to any musician, not necessarily a pianist]
- What we call a shark, the Germans call a volksbeiterfisch.
- By the time you're 45 years old, you've spent 15 years asleep, and
two years in the left turn lane.
- A friend of mine drove in a complete circle on a street, because one
U-turn deserves another.
- I hate to brag, but I have more brains in my head than you have in
your little finger.
- John Wayne Film Festival. Warning: Cowards may be offended by these
My Favorite Jokes [It helps to have low standards]:
- In World War II, a German spy was playing poker with several British
officers. He spoke perfect English, and was dressed as a British officer. He
was listening for clues concerning an allied offensive. Then he picked up his
poker hand, and to his surprise, saw that he had a straight flush. He
exclaimed, "Ach du lieber!" The room became silent. Everyone in the room stared
at him, in shock. Then he smiled and added, "Whatever that means."
- Ever since I broke my mirror, I haven't been able to look myself in
- The most common injury in chess: Getting your king stuck in your
eye, when you doze off (checkers is much safer).
- Have you ever felt like a eucalyptus tree in a koala feeding frenzy?
- My memory is so bad that I forget whose disease I have.
- All dogmatic statements are false.
From my Hypothetical Stand-up
A friend of mine was part of a psychological experiment. He was given
this pill that was supposed to radically increase his IQ. It worked on rats.
They could run a maze with one eye closed. They got a little cocky, thought
they were better than other rats. Anyway this friend of mine was given this
pill, took it for a couple of years. It was amazing. He went to college, got
his Ph.D. in astrophysics in two years, really amazing. Then he found out he
had been part of the control group. They had given him a placebo. Dumb as a
post, and here he was stuck with a Ph.D. in astrophysics, what a waste, really
- I've decided to go to Liberia to check out a book. [This joke can be
told in many ways: I met a librarian; I hear that Libraria is a wonderful
country. A vegetarian eh? I always wanted to visit Vegetaria. Johnny, what do
you call people from Liberia? Librarians?]
- A friend of mine learned from the PBS channel how to protect her
child by pretending to have a broken wing.
- I think the Rennaisance is when Gutenberg started placing Bibles in
- Just to be safe, I installed a fire alarm on the ceiling of my
- Actual headline in USA Today newspaper today: "U.S. Pushes for Wider
Seatbelt Use." I wonder how wide they want to make them.
- My class on assertiveness was a success. We revolted and deposed the
- Basket case: A good place to keep your basket.
- When I plead "mercy," people think I'm a French masochist.
- I'm proud to say that I bought a thermometer when it was at 32
degrees, and I sold it when it reached 90.
- Hiking in the woods, without bringing food, is no picnic.
- Snakes get lethargic when it is cold out. That is called
viperthermia. In warm weather, they become viperactive.
- I've joined the AAAAA, the American Association Against Alliterative
- Analogy question: Heaven is to Hell as Montana is to what? The
correct answer is Hell. Trick question there.
- I was talking to a man from Scotland, and his accent was so thick
that I was having great difficulty understanding him. I apologised for this,
and I think this was his reply: "I'm so Scottish that sometimes I can't even
- Headline: Coworkers cheer as lady is fired for pointing out her
boss's "ring around the collar."
- I went to the store to get pop (soda pop) and corn, and I came back
- I really really hate judgemental people.
- You know, this pain in my neck is getting to be a pain in the
- An adult is someone who can legally run with scissors, but doesn't
have the energy.
- A child is someone who uses pancakes as an excuse to eat sirrup.
- My favorite ethnic food: Chilean hot dogs.
- I don't mean to be a snob, but I get my Venetian blinds directly from
- A workaholic is someone who actually works.
- A bunch of idiots were protesting against the Three Stooges,
complaining of their portrayal of idiots. A spokesman for the Three Stooges
replied, "Oh yeah? Wise guys, eh?" and poked them in the eyes. There was a lot
of running around, after that.
- I hear that there is a 50-story building being erected in Chicago, in
which (as a cost-saving device) all fifty of the floors are 13th floors.
- Pedro, a friend of mine, plays the flamenco tuba.
- TV programs which showed promise, but failed: Mission Easy and
- My car is doing better than ever. The gas tank used to hold $9 worth
of gas, now it holds $13 worth.
- Jim, give us an example of an interrogative pronoun. "What?" "That is
- Use "balderdash" in a sentence: "Jim set a world record in the
balderdash." And you see the evidence on this very page.
- Fiddlesticks: What you say when your fiddle gets stuck.
- It's about time I cleared up this mystery. I shot the deputy, but I
did not shoot the sheriff.
- My advice: Eschew pompous platitudinous ponderosity.
- I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so
I killed him.
- I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling
- My father told me never to darken his door again. It was no big deal,
I just painted his door the wrong color.
- When I turned 55, I reached another millstone.
- I got my knowledge of spatial relationships in Spatial
- In golf, I got more distance throwing my driver than I did by hitting
a ball with it.
- The real reason the Jerry Seinfeld show went down the drain: Tonight
Jerry is worried that hanging around with losers may brand him a loser. To his
chagrin, he finds that his worries are well-founded.
- The traditional method of finding a lost tack is to take your shoes
- We just celebrated Columbus day, which is the day that Columbus
- There is too much sax and violins in music.
- Winning in sports is 50% skill, 50% hard work, and 50% luck.
- A friend of mine plans to make a million, as he monopolizes the
market in American flags. He sells both flamable and nonflamable American
- We speak at a podium. On the other side of the world, they speak at
- An amateur athlete shows his/her disdain for money by insisting that
it be passed under the table.
- I exercise because I want to be healthy when I drop dead.
- With one chess move, I sold the farm and bought the farm, all in one
- Overheard: "First of all, this is not illegal; second I want immunity
- A married couple that I know are a little rough on each other
physically. Their motto is "Violence is golden."
- I'm always amazed at the efficiency of nature, as it recycles
nutrients back into the soil. For example, a bird flew into my car, and died
trying to get out. I took it out of the car, and placed it on the edge of the
parking lot. Then some predator moved it to the lawn. And a guy ran over it
with a lawn mower.
- Those who do not study history, are condemned to study some other
- Song: Row row row your boat, reading Field and Stream.
- Another song: I wish I were Oscar Meyer, you wiener.
- You can't arrest me, officer. I'm legally drunk.
- I was just driving behind a slow driver. I think the bumper sticker
said, "A bad day fishing is better than driving behind me."
- A friend of mine comes from a perfectly normal family. In other
words, his parents had 2.5 children.
- When I was a child, my mission, as I saw it, was to empty mud puddles
with my feet. Now that I am grown up, my mission is to empty mud puddles with
- I decided to lose weight because my underwear was suffering from
- I shave before I weigh myself, in order to get a truer reading.
- When I see someone pushing an empty baby buggy, I ask, "Did you know
that your baby buggy is empty?"
- Maybe you have heard of the famous chicken rancher, Buck Buckaw.
- A friend of mine has taken up ballooning. He has ballooned up to 250
- I'm not a happy camper. It's not because I'm unhappy. It's because
I'm not a camper.
- I'm not sure what this means, but a while back I saw my shadow, and
then we had six more weeks of winter.
- There is luck in chess. My opponent was lucky that he was playing
against an idiot.
- A screenplay of mine (a thriller about cloning gone wrong) which
didn't make it: Science of the Lambs.
- I've been looking for a sign like this for a long time: Unauthorized
- I don't trust sleeping dogs, because they lie. And besides that,
people let them lie.
- They are remaking the film Omega Man. It will star Martin
Short, Steve Martin, and Chevy Chase, and will be called The Three
- The technical name for lack of eye-hand coordination:
- Did you hear about the guy that was kicked off the U.S. 8 man rowing
team? He got so strong that the boat was going in circles.
- I almost made it big, when I invented the steel-belted radio. Missed
it by that much.
- I'm starting a group called Dipwads Anonymous. It should be really
- A friend of mine lives near a pond that I call Lake Inferior.
- I was asked if I could explain Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle. Of
course my response was, "I'm not sure." [I'm currently working on Jim's
Certainty Principle. It's quite an improvement]
- I don't think nostalgia is as good as it used to be.
- Excuse me; I'm a little out of breath. I was just jogging my memory.
[Alternative joke: The only exercise I get anymore is jogging my memory]
- Mushroom: A good place to keep your mush.
- Aftermath: English, as I recall.
- I'm writing a story about a person who puts cyanide in boxes of corn
flakes. It's called The Cereal Killer.
- When an ancient Egyptian died, he or she was sometimes said to go
west, as the sun goes west when it "dies" every day. This would suggest an
interesting meaning for Horace Greely's exhortation, "Go west, young man."
- Before the Gulf War, Saddam Hussein was talking to the Emir of
Kuwait. He was bragging about how he was going to take over Kuwait and all of
its oil. The Emir replied, "I don't think you should try that. We will push you
all the way back to Bagdad." And Saddam said, "Oh yeah? You and whose
- In ancient times, Terra incognita was a huge collection of
areas on any map. Now it is ten square miles in Antarctica which was
photographed by a satellite, and then forgotten due to a computer
- President Bush was supposed to give a speech in Germany. He had heard
that President Kennedy had made a big impression upon the Germans, by saying
"Ich bin ein berliner" (I am a Berliner). So Bush decided to tell the Germans,
"Ich bin ein hamburger." (By the way, Kennedy misspoke. He should have said,
"Ich bin berliner," as "berliner" is an adjective, not a noun) [Eddie Izzard
recently told a joke much like this, pointing out that "ein Berliner" is a kind
- I know a guy. I won't say he's stupid, it's more like he's not highly
evolved. I think he's in the 10th percentile of Neanderthals. That means that
he has a ten percent chance of ever discovering fire.
- The grape is the national fruit of France. In fact, they seem to have
a raisin for everything they do.
- I knew a girl who wanted to get into martial arts, but she couldn't
get Marshall to pose for her.
- Mel Brooks missed an opportunity in the movie Young
Frankenstein by not writing the song: "Nothing could be zanier than to be
in Transylvania, in the morning."
- I bought a banjo, no strings attached. Or: I bought a tennis racket,
no strings attached.
- Old bowlers never die. They just lose their grip.
- The Grand Canyon is a gorgeous gorge.
- My favorite rock group is Bjorn and the Borg Collective, true
pioneers of Swedish rap.
- I bought a device for removing shrink-wrap from CDs, slices right
through it. But I can't get it out of the package.
- I have become of value to my fellow human beings as a bad
- Please forgive my previous card which said that I was sorry to hear
that you were sick and are now better. Of course I meant that I am happy to
hear that you were sick and are now better. [Take-off on old grammatical
- You can say what you want about Oedipus. But at least he loved his
mother. [Inspired by a song by Tom Lehrer]
- A friend of mine kept falling out of bed, until he bought some Velcro
sheets. (Now he gets out of bed by unbuttoning his pajamas).
- "They" say that barking dogs do not bite. My research shows that at
least one barking dog does bite.
- We didn't have electricity. We had to use our computers by
- I like to play games with my pets. The other day I was playing
badminton with my parakeet.
- A lady was in Las Vegas, and she found a dollar bill on the sidewalk.
She decided to go put it into a slot machine. But then she saw a blind beggar
sitting on the curb. She thought, "That beggar surely needs this dollar more
than I do." So she gave the dollar to the beggar, who promptly lost in in a
- TV ad: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because I'm
- I thought I lost my mustache. It turned out be right under my nose.
[Inspired by a similar joke from my email]
- Instructions on microwave pizza: Cook on high until there is melted
cheese all over the bottom of your microwave, then rotate.
- A moment in history: "Boy is it hot in here. What's this? Hm,
Declaration of Independence? Give me a pen. I'll sign anything, short of
declaring war on England, heh heh heh, to get out of this heat."
- I'm currently researching an article: Lorna Doon, the Novel and the
- Sometimes I think I have what's-his-name's disease. (It may be Dr. Al
- I won't say that Jim is nasty, but he has a bumper sticker (on his
front bumper) that says "I brake for jay-walkers. Not!"
- I won't say Jim is egotistical, but he does call his acquaintances
- I won't say Jim is nasty, but his t-shirt says: Help stamp out small
- I won't say Jim is egotistical, but he does take bad weather as a
- I won't say Jim is nasty, but when he was a child he intentionally
stepped on cracks. (It didn't work)
- I had to wait forever in line at the supermarket. Some joker was
trying to pay with cash, whatever that is.
- Limestone is not something that should be taken for granite. (I
assume that this kind of joke has been around for centuries)
- Never say "Bite me" to a barking dog.
- I'm composing an arrangement of the Theme from Jaws, for an all-kazoo
orchestra. I call it Eine Kleine Shark Musik.
- A friend of mine is so lonely that you just have to dial the first
three numbers before he answers the phone.
- Put this bumper sticker on your shopping cart: "Hang up and
- If God had wanted me to be thin, He wouldn't have invented
- Jim's Law of Dieting: You gain two pounds for every pound of food you
- Mathematics lecturer: There is more than one way to skin a cat, the
proof of which I will leave as an exercise for the students.
- This sentence got out of hand: I don't know what they are, but I do
know where whatever they are are.
- I think people who vote have an unfair influence over the
- My stock broker: Mary, Queen of Stocks.
- Personal ad: Poor, old, fat, ugly man seeks rich, young, thin,
beautiful woman. (It didn't work)
- The curse of the Pharaohs: "Ra dammit."
- If there were any justice in the world, barking dogs would get sore
- An actual conversation of mine: "I'm sorry." "Oh, don't apologize."
"OK. I'm sorry I apologized."
- Bach was apparently a gourmet. He is famous for his well-tempered
- Everybody has their ups and downs. Unfortunately, my ups are just
- Descartes' last words: "I don't think..."
- A good name for a business: Jjim's Llama Rranch. My spell checker
doesn't like it, though.
- In education today, the three R's (reading, 'riting, and 'rithmetic)
are not enough. I wonder just how many R's we need.
- People say that I'm paranoid. At least that's what I think they
- The other day I had a tickle in my throat and I kept coughing. And
somebody said, "You got a bad cough there." People are so critical; now they're
criticizing my cough.
- We were so poor that we couldn't afford fireworks; we sat in the
kitchen watching popcorn pop with no lid on it. (I might try that).
- The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your
- The gubernatorial race was interesting. I couldn't wait to see who
would become head guber.
- New Years Eve: Answer to the question, "What day is tomorrow, Adam?"
[Steve Allen invented the Answer Man, later copied by Johnny Carson (Carnak)
- The difference between humans and other animals: Bird: "chirp chirp
chirp chirp chirp..." which is virtually meaningless except to attract females
and warn off other males. Human: "How's it going, man? What's happenin'? Later,
dude!" which is, of course, packed with subtle meaning.
- I have been called a "Renaissance person." I think the correct
expression is "middle aged."
- My view of life can be summed up in a parable: There was once a
doctor, who worked for many years trying to find the cure for Alzheimer's
Disease. In the end, he found the cure, and then forgot it.
- How cold was it? It was as cold as an aluminum outhouse seat in
- Conversation: "Excuse me, may I have a tissue?" "What?" "May I have a
tissue?" "What do you want?" "Tissue! Tissue! Tissue!" "Gesundheit! Here, have
- Monday is the root of all evil.
- Phobophobophobia: The fear that we have nothing to fear but fear
- I helped out a friend of mine. And he called me a life saver, or
maybe it was a jolly rancher or some other hard candy.
- My new invention: A propeller that you attach to your feet while
swimming. To move forward, just execute a continual roll. You will have no
trouble breathing, once you gain enough speed to porpoise.
- Did you hear about the ventriloquist with a speech impediment? He
couldn't say, "gottle a geer."
- A number of years ago, I was playing in a tennis tournament. Many of
the matches were delayed by rain. After the rain stopped, I looked at the sky
and told a friend of mine, "It looks like rain." He said, "No, it's not going
to rain anymore." I replied, "Then, how in the heck will I wash my neck?" [I
had been waiting for about a dozen years for the right setup for that joke.
Some people don't remember the song, "It ain't gonna rain no more, no more. It
ain't gonna rain no more. How in the heck will I wash my neck, if it ain't
gonna rain no more." Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?]
- My peers consider me to be without peer.
- Sign: Warning: $50 fine for shooting holes in this sign.
- Some famous sayings: All roams lead to Rhodes (All roads roam to
Leeds). [I am told that the previous sayings are not original]. You have to be
a squeaky wheel to get to Greece.
- A duck's motto: A scummy pond is a yummy pond.
- Idea for a bumper sticker: Thank you for sharing your stupid music.
[T-shirt: Thanks for sharing your stupid opinion]
- There is only one Jim Loy. Unfortunately, it takes two Jim Loys to
screw in a light bulb (one to turn the swivel chair, it would seem). [Actually,
I hear that there are four or five Jim Loys out there. Where are they when my
light bulbs burn out, is what I want to know?]
- Food for soul searching thought: A woman with tiny voice answers the
phone: "Hello?" "May I speak to your mother?" "I am my mother!"
- My new book, reassessing a famous personality: Attila The
- My new t-shirt idea: Somebody's gotta lose. Might as well be
- When people notice that I got a haircut, I tell them it was a lawn
mower (or snow-blower, or weed-eater) accident.
- There's too much violence, nowadays. A number of years ago I read
this sad headline: Congress Kills GI Bill.
- Final hockey score: Penguins 4, Humans 2.
- Because of Women's Lib, all cattle ranches must have an equal number
of cows and bulls.
- Clint Eastwood is mellowing out. Now he says, "Go ahead, have a nice
day" (or "Thank you for making my day").
- A fairy tale that just missed the top ten list: Beauty and the
Beets (moral: Eat your vegetables).
- How I learned the rules of the road, by watching other drivers:
- red - stop
- yellow - speed up
- green - slow down (it might turn yellow)
- just turned red - really speed up
- just turned green - don't go (somebody else may be using these
- When I was in grade school, I wanted to be an astronaut, because my
teachers told me that I was just taking up space.
- Everyone should carve out their own niche. And if you've got a
niche, scratch it.
- Proposed title for Deforest Kelly's (Bones on Star Trek)
autobiography: I'm An Actor, Dammit, Not A Doctor.
- If I'm injured, I refuse to accept artificial respiration, I demand
the real thing.
- I time my cooking, by using my smoke alarm. [This can be used as the
definition of a bachelor] [This joke is in the Friar's Club Joke Book, but I
think I used it first, in the 1980s]
- Play pool. What do you have to lose, but your self-respect?
- I'm compiling an improved thesaurus, the Thesaurus Rex.
- My philosophy: The early worm gets eaten by the early bird.
- Did you know that a mustache can improve your memory. Now, I can
remember what I had to eat last.
- Lately, I've been trying to follow the crocodile's rule: Never eat
more than you can digest in a week.
- Jimmy was asked to use "innuendo" in a sentence. He replied, "The
bird flew innuendo, and out the door." [This one is very similar to a Groucho
joke, Night At the Opera. I will try to get the exact quote]
- Did you know that Nolan Ryan has pitched more baseballs than you can
shake a stick at?
- My life is in jeopardy, and I forgot to put it in the form of a
question. [America's favorite (only) answer and question show should be called
"What Is Jeopardy?"]
- I never lie, except when I say that I never lie.
- I've quit using shampoo; I now use real poo.
- I was told at McDonald's, "You deserve a break today, but you're not
going to get it."
- The subtitle of Beethoven's 5th Symphony: "I can name that tune in
- Kid with a Ghost Busters tee shirt: "No I'm not a Ghost, and don't
call me Buster."
- When I watched the movie Jaws, I kept yawning.
- People ask me, "What's new?" I respond, "The thirteenth letter of
the Greek alphabet." [nu] [This joke is a generic version of the physics joke,
"What's new?" "c-over-lambda." That joke is how you can identify the physicists
in a crowd. Whoever laughs is a physicist.]
- When they make those kiwi-strawberry drinks, they mash up a kiwi
- Senile: What you find in the encyclopedia under "Egypt." Denial: De
river in Egypt.
- Toy store for the children of literate parents: Toys-Are-We.
- Einstein was one of those people who was as dumb as he looked.
- Cigarette company motto: "Smoke our brand, what do you have to
- I try to look ugly, so that people will recognize my driver's
- I live in an equal-opportunity town. They allow mentally-handicapped
- I'm protesting against the violence in the game of hang-man.
- Actually, I don't have Alzheimer's Disease. But it's getting harder
- My favorite breakfast cereal: Idi-oats, breakfast of idiots.
- When I'm holding a cup of water or soda pop, you can get me to spill
it by asking me what time it is.
- If I don't vote, you can blame me for the trouble the country is in.
If I do vote, you can blame me for the trouble the country is in.
- Email message: This is a stickup. Give me your credit card number, or
I'll hack into your computer.
- I have invented a smaller mouse, for computers. I call it a Mini
Mouse. (Disney is suing me).
- My new idea to make a million: A low cost imitation of Microsoft
Works, called Nothing Works.
- I'll make a million on my idea for a computer game: Where in Sim
City is Carmen Sandiego? [or Where in Hell is Carmen Sandiego?]
- I'm inventing a true micro-computer. It uses a micro-bit,
one-millionth of a bit.
- Another million dollar idea: A spread-sheet called "4-5-6." I would
probably lose a million, when someone comes out with "7-8-9."
- I'm designing a screen-saver. After a while a message comes on the
screen that says, "Please turn your screen off."
- Actually, I am designing an anti-screen-saver. It burns an image
into your screen.
- Have you heard of my low-tech virus? I hire little kids to sit at
your computer and delete your files. [Kids actually do this in computer stores.
Now I will be blamed.]
- I'm going to invent a screen-saver for my TV. It will be a video
tape of flying toasters going back and forth.
Relish Jokes (I invented this whole category of jokes):
- My tennis play is rather sloppy, because I play tennis with relish.
- Hitler had to keep changing his uniform, because his soldiers kept
saluting him with relish.
- I ordered a hamburger with nothing on it, but I still ate it with
- My keyboard doesn't work anymore, because I was typing with relish.
- We all ducked when he said "Fahrfergnugen," because he said it with
My brother says "Ah, the old relish joke." The idea behind my relish
jokes is a comment by Isaac Asimov that some comedians can tell a joke on any
subject. He regretted that he could not. Well, with very little thought, you
can make up a relish joke on any subject. But unfortunately, you have to give
me some of the credit. I'm still waiting for the royalties.
My Mathematics and Science Jokes:
Some of the above jokes are dopey (others are grumpy or sneezy). Some
people think that they all are pretty poor. My response to them is, "Oh yeah?"
Anyway, my attempts at humor may be a subconscious attempt to improve my social
skills. If I am brave enough to blurt out some stupid joke in public, then
maybe I won't be so up-tight when speaking to people. To quote Weird Al
Yankovic, "Dare to be stupid."
Not Original: Some of my favorite jokes (the first two of which I
tell a lot) are not original:
- When I see someone juggling, or being clumsy, I say they are doing
something in a juggler vein. [I believe it was Ed Wynn who introduced two
"jugglers who are going to do something in a juggler vein."]
- I sometimes say I am a little stiff from tennis (or bowling). People
should respond, "You're from where?" or "You're not little." [I don't know who
invented that one.]
- Teddy Roosevelt bought some three-legged horses, and called his men
the Rough Riders. [Mad Magazine.]
- There was a guy that was injured on the job, back east somewhere. He
worked as a human cannonball. Now they're looking for someone of the same
caliber. [I heard this somewhere, long before I heard it on Hee
- The national anthem of the Crimea: Crimea River. [Peter
- On MASH: Hawkeye: Are you a spy? B.J.: I'm not allowed to say.
- Aibohphobia: The fear of palindromes. [Apparently by someone on
- We've upped our standards. Now up yours. [Pat Paulsen]
- 6/5 of all students have trouble with fractions. [source
- Headline in Billings Gazette: Moses Opens Big Sky State Games [it was
Edwin Moses, and Johnny Carson thought it was very funny. I arrived too late to
- I 'm as strong as an ox, and almost as smart. [Jethro on Beverly
- After Charlie Brown has just lost another game, Schroeder says: Well
Charlie Brown, win a few, lose a few. Charlie Brown: Wouldn't that be
- My cousins named their cat Carpenter, because he did little odd jobs
around the house. [my cousins, the Gulicks]
- I used to use cliches like they were going out of style. Now I
wouldn't touch one with a ten foot pole [Frank and Ernest]
- How was your flight? Well, aeronautically it was a great success.
Socially, it left quite a bit to be desired. [Noel Coward]
- Area 51 is actually a paranoid fantasy we concocted to hide the true
identity of this facility, which is Area 52. [Looney Toons Back in Action, the
- We're the phone company. We work for everyone, from the busy
executive to the scum of the earth. [Lily Tomlin, as the Phone Lady]
Two of my favorite business names:
- Bev's Bloomers, Ronan, MT (flowers)
- Terminal Meats, Missoula, MT (building was a railroad terminal)
A billboard in Missoula, MT: "Sore neck next 500 mi. Soft pillow just
ahead." Sign in window of Burger Bob's in Bozeman, MT: "Sorry we're open." Sign
on the outskirts of Seeley Lake (a town of about 1000 inhabitants), Montana:
"Seeley Lake, next 10 exits." In an ad for a sale: "Be sure and don't bring
very much money!" A classic sign: "Live lobsters, dancing nightly."
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