## Hypothetical Standup Routine

What's that kind of nut that's not a peanut, they put salt on it, and it's kinda crescent shaped. [Someone shouts "cashew"] Gesundheit! You can get whole cashews, or cashew halves. I think I got a can of cashew dust.

You drive around and you see those "Baby on board" signs. And of course, they are really saying, "Please don't ram my car." Right, I was going to ram their car, but baby on board., almost rammed a baby on board. Whew! Then I thought, maybe I could save my own life if I had a baby on board sign. OK OK, it wouldn't be ethical. I'd feel guilty all the time. It'd be a fraudulent baby on board sign. But it might save my life. But then again, what if I got caught? A cop pulls me over, "OK Mr. Mom, where's the baby?" Of course I'd say, "Oh no, he's gone! I must have left him back in Idaho." With my luck, I'd probably get double the fine for fraudulent baby on board sign in a road work zone. Ah, I just figured out the solution. I'll make a sign that says "Baby on board (not)." People will avoid hitting me, before they read the "not."

Speaking of babies, when something is easy, we say that it is like taking candy from a baby. Have you tried to take candy from a baby? I have. It's darned difficult. You have to trick the little buggers. Hand them two toys, and grab the candy. They figure that one out, though.

In order to appear here tonight, I had to put these black things on my feet. What is this thing called [Someone shouts "a shoe"] Gesundheit!

I heard that both Will Rogers and Lenny Bruce would bring a newspaper out on stage and comment on the news, and there'd be funny stuff in the paper (you know, ironic or strange). I thought I would try it, and see how that works. Let's see... Nope (turn page)... Nope... Ah here we go. What is a seven letter word for the capital of Venezuela? I think the fifth letter is a C... Hm that worked pretty good, me and Lenny Bruce.

The neighborhood dogs really like me. Gives you a good feeling when dogs like you. They really go for me. When I'm around, all the chicken bones they can eat. Sorry.

Uh, my mind has struck a blank here. What's that red stuff you put on hamburgers. [Someone says "catsup"] Gesundheit!

A friend of mine was part of a psychological experiment. He was given this pill that was supposed to radically increase his IQ. It worked on rats. They could run a maze with one eye closed. They got a little cocky, thought they were better than other rats. Anyway this friend of mine was given this pill, took it for a couple of years. It was amazing. He went to college, got his PhD in astrophysics in two years, really amazing. Then he found out he had been part of the control group. They had given him a placebo. Dumb as a post, and here he was stuck with a PhD in astrophysics, what a waste, really sad.

That reminds me. If people ask you "Where were you when God handed out brains?" You can say, "Hey I was in the control group."

Don't you hate slow drivers? Like people who only drive 30 in a 25 zone. I really hate that.

I got to park in handicapped parking for a month or so. I was recovering from a blood clot in my lung, a little scary there. But I looked healthy. A couple of people didn't think that I looked handicapped. You know, what was I doing parking in handicapped parking? I told them I was mentally handicapped. They probably drive safer now that they know there are people like me on the road.

I'd like to clear up a popular misconception. You know, there's that old saying, "Love makes the world go 'round." Actually, it's rotational inertia. A little public service I provide by pointing that out. New cliche: "Rotational inertia makes the world go 'round."

I am often asked, "If smart bombs are so smart, why do they destroy themselves?" I think that they may be TOO smart. You know they hang around with military types all the time. Wouldn't you get depressed? It's really sad.

I'd never live in California. You know, besides all the people and pollution, there's the San Andreas Fault, earthquakes, gonna be a big one some day. How can they live with that threat hanging over them? It's like living on a planet in a doomsday asteroid zone. Who'd be that stupid?

I have found that my friends are smarter than average. Quite often, when my phone rings, it's a wrong number. Now, all of these idiots are strangers. Not one of them is one of my friends. So I deduce that my friends are much too smart to accidentally call me. Makes a lot of sense to me. By the way, have any of you folks been stupid enough to accidentally call me? No? You must be smarter than average, too.

What's that word? You gotta be off the streets and indoors by a certain time at night? [Someone says "curfew"] Gesundheit! [If nobody responds to the question, then say "I know! Curfew!" and see if the audience says "Gesundheit!" If they don't, tell them that they were supposed to say "Gesundheit!" and that they must be the control group and you can skip the next paragraph]

Have you met my girl friend Remora? Actually, that's just a pet name that I call her. That's kinda funny, too bad nobody laughed.

The other night, there was a woman heckler in the crowd. I was kinda proud of the way I handled her. My response was, "Oh yeah?" Actually she shouted, "Get off the stage. You're not funny." I responded, "Could you keep it down, Mom?" I was kinda surprised that only one person figured out that I'm not funny. The rest of the audience must have been in the control group.