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I had a girl friend once, in high school. Since then I had three or four dates. I haven't gone out with anyone for thirty years or so. To me, women are frightening. Imagine stepping off the roof of a hundred story building, and falling to your death. That is how frightening women are. But I dream of meeting the right woman, and having a life together.
In grade school, I was always "in love" with whoever was currently the most beautiful girl. My definition of beauty was sometimes different from other people's. But in my mind, they were the most beautiful. I couldn't bring myself to tell these girls of my "love." I remember some of the names, Melanie, Beverly, Jean, hm not very many. There was one named Jane who liked me. I didn't like her at all. Then, I "fell in love" with a pretty girl, in about 6th or 7th grade. And after a while, she decided to like me. Then I became aware of the fact that she was stupid. And I began to question my preoccupation with physical beauty.
In high school, I fell in love with Kathy. As usual, I could not make a move toward her, or talk to her. It was frustrating. But she pursued me. It was still tough, but it was a little easier. We would hold hands, and eventually we kissed. I knew that I was going to marry her. I found out that I was jealous. It hurt when she talked to other boys. I didn't want to be jealous, but I was. Eventually, she broke up with me, and that was the end of the world, for a while. Then I fell in love with Jonelle and June, and maybe others. I couldn't tell them.
In college, I asked a girl named Marilyn out; she refused. I asked Ardis out; she refused. I went out a couple times with a girl named Cathy. Another girl named Marilyn stood me up twice. I talked to her roommate for hours, both times. After that it slowly became even more difficult.
Someone asked why I didn't seek counselling. In my experience, that hasn't helped much. I just fall in love with the female ones, and feel inadequate next to the male ones. I guess I did gain insight from counselling.
I have improved my social skills. And I can now carry on conversations with women, no problem. But, any hint of intimacy is very difficult, even painful, even impossible. People ask, "What's the worst that can happen? She could say 'No.'" Maybe, maybe she could say "Yes." Maybe that would be worse, because then the torture would continue. And it does get worse. Anyway, I'm still scared, after all these years.
Addendum:
Here's a joke. I forget where I heard it:
A guy was very nervous around women. His friend was telling him how to handle a date. He said, "If the conversation lags, there are three topics that can always be relied upon to get it going again, food, relatives, and philosophy. If you're stuck for something to say, just bring up one of those topics." The shy guy thought that made sense, and thanked his friend. On his next date, the conversation lagged. Then he remembered his friend's advice. He asked the girl, "Do you like spagetti?" She said, "No." He thought, "Darn, if she had liked spagetti, I could have talked on and on. Now what?" So he decided to talk about relatives, "Do you have a brother?" "No." Again he wished the answer had been yes, as he could have talked all night. Finally, he decided to talk about philosopy, "If you did have a brother, would he like spagetti?"